


if the world was ending, you’d come over, right?

by jxneun



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: AU, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, implied sex, one shot into two shot, past relationship, potentially a third if i’m feeling ambitious, tw: PTSD, tw: alcoholism, yamato’s band actually successful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxneun/pseuds/jxneun
Summary: Pairing: Yamato/Taichi, past relationship & lots of angstRating: Mature, implied sex, tw: PTSD, alcoholismTaichi reminisces over his lost love, thinking about his past relationship with Yamato, whose world tour is in full swing. Post-tri.Fic inspiration from “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe & Julia Michaels.
Relationships: Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida/Yagami Taichi | Tai Kamiya
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	if the world was ending, you’d come over, right?

** love letter to you **

Your crystalline, cobalt blue eyes pierced into my soul. You were always so perceptive, and so cognizant of others’ emotions, whether they wore their heart on their sleeve or if they were the most private shut-in. You embodied empathy, and you taught me compassion. The night we had first fought, I recall, as a young, immature boy, feeling taken aback. You recognized the inner turmoil you were facing, and you refused to allow your demons to take charge; you were adamant on taking care of Takeru, and you were so insistent on being there for him, to compensate for the lack thereof from your parents. At your very own expense, you embodied self-sacrifice.

I remember the mundane moments, where we would gaze up at the stars or witness the sheer beauty of the horizon looking out on the gazebo, I’d be breathless. I remember the moments I’d talk about you to Koushiro and Hikari, and they had the all knowing look on their face; I was taken aback, by the very fact that you very easily slid into my life, and you became my everything. You encompassed friendship, and so much more. 

Amidst the fears and tears, and in spite all of these years I’ve lived, trying to escape this life, I felt at my own wit’s end. I strived for so much more, I wanted to do more than just complacently live a life just to survive. I wanted to seek meaning, and I was terrified of change. Perhaps that’s why, I was upset when you hadn’t told me first about your successful gig, and how the record label was willing to fund your group, to hopefully become the next big star. 

Perhaps the way I cling to the past is a form of self-torment; I’m left all alone, by myself, whereas everyone is moving on and looking onwards to the future. Still, I brought you into this internal strife, with my thoughts circulating in my head, letting these feelings stew.

It’s funny to think that I was initially so hesitant and uncertain if you liked me too, and I was so ecstatic that you came forward and told me,

“ _I want to make you happy_ ,” 

words that struck a chord within me, words that made me feel as if I was finally deserving of love. 

In between the bleak moments, I remember that times you would call or text me, after I’d get into an argument with my Dad. While Dad’s never hit us, his alcoholic tendencies stemmed early on, even when Hikari and I were mere children. Perhaps it was from the stress that came from overworking, or being mistreated by his supervisors, but the way that he would act would make me feel uneasy. Inebriated, he was a different person. He could easily go from silly and happy, to furious. Being at home was difficult, so Hikari and I tried to stay after school as much as possible, whether it was through extracurriculars, or staying at a friend’s place. 

Instead of being a fearless leader, I was reduced to a powerless child, walking on eggshells the moment I’d step into the house. The comfortable air that was present when it was just Hikari, Mom and me, would easily dissipate when he would come home late in the night, drunk off his ass, stinking of booze, and slurring his speech. 

During those times, when I would have to act strong and put up a front for Mom and Hikari, I was able to let down my walls with you. I was able to confide in you. 

Aside from Koushiro, I hadn’t ever really confided in anyone when my Dad acted out. The one time that you found out, I had been reminded of the past with Nishijima-sensei, and how I failed to save him; simultaneously, Dad had gotten home and reeked of cigarette smoke and alcohol, and I couldn’t take the sight of him. It was that snowy night, when the snow had just freshly fallen after the Winter Solstice, and I was still struggling, that you appeared before me.

You coincidentally passed by, after rehearsing for your upcoming single for your band. You found me alone, in tears, in the neighborhood playground, angry sobbing and shaking uncontrollably on the swing-set. Looking at me, your expression was unreadable, as you called out my name. In the moment, I hadn’t registered your presence, nor did I care whether you saw me or not. All I wanted was peace, and to be left alone to reflect on my own. Seeing the lack of response on my end, you walked towards me, your breath visible in the winter night. 

You didn’t ask questions nor coddle me. You walked towards me, with your arms outstretched, with a soft voice, saying, “ _C’mere Taichi._ ”

In shock, I didn’t react, only gawking, with glassy eyes and wet cheeks. I was a mess, but you didn’t seem to mind nor pay attention to that. Approaching me, you put your wool scarf, gifted by your grandfather, around my neck as you scolded me, “ _Aren’t you freezing out here? It’s snowing._ ” Your gesture of kindness didn’t stop there, as you continued on saying, “ _You don’t have to explain anything. You can talk if you want to, but I’m here regardless._ ”

I burst out into tears, hot droplets falling and wetting your coat, as you hugged me tightly, clutching for dear life. With my head in your shoulder, you put a gloved hand on the small of my back, and brought my head closer, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, reminding me that it was okay to cry, and you were here as long as I needed. You walked me home, since I declined your offer to stay over at your place, and wished me good night. The next morning, I woke up to your text that you were here, and we walked to school together. You brought me a chocolate bun, warm to the touch and freshly made, anticipating that I probably didn’t have time to eat breakfast, granted I slept in for once. 

Later on that day, Hikari commented, “ _Yamato must really like you, Big Bro_ ,” with a grin to her face, and a mood as chipper as ever. Of course, I vehemently denied this, and assured that Yamato was only acting as a good friend.

I can’t forget the look on the others’ faces, when you started acting more over-protectively, and the giggles from Hikari and Takeru that would resound in the room, when they’d take notice of your lingering stares, and your eyes on me, when you thought I didn’t take notice. 

It was when you shyly asked me to go out for lunch together for the first time, when I finally realized that you might have had feelings for me too. It wasn’t a casual ‘oh yeah let’s hang out’, you practically announced, “ _Taichi, will you go out with me?_ ” before trying to cover it up with excuses that it was just because you hadn’t eaten all day. 

Granted, I was equally embarrassed, with my face feverish and pink; I squeaked out a yes, and you were overjoyed. 

Sharing these moments with you, including the times you’d sing to me over the phone when I couldn’t sleep, or when you’d play the guitar to calm my nerves, made me feel so incredibly special. Those moments where I couldn’t even feel my hands nor face, where I would find myself deep in a void, you’d pull me out of the dark end, and bring me back to reality, were truly moments that I came to cherish. I came to recognize how I’d act out, and my trauma was anything but pretty. I saw how my pain was spreading to you, like an infection. I witnessed how you’d appear more tense, and carry a lot more on your plate. I knew that you were already uneasy pursuing this relationship, given how you’ve always had your qualms about relationships due to your parents’ failed marriage. It scared me, and I didn’t trust my own self enough to be there for you. I didn’t believe that I could give as much to the relationship, as you were giving. I didn’t think that I was capable of emitting the same amount of love and grace, the love that you rightfully deserved after this unfair life. You already had lived a life where you lost your childhood, a childhood stolen from you from adults who couldn’t get their act together. 

It made me think: what if I was holding you back? What if my relationship with you, prevented you from fully achieving your potential as a musician? How could I take that dream away from you, and be so selfish to keep the Yamato Ishida to myself? Even as middle schoolers, you already garnered a loyal fanbase, as the lead of the Teenage Wolves.

To my surprise, despite how I was hoping for the best, yet expected the worst, you were the one who ended it. You said you loved me, but you didn’t want to just make me wait. You insisted, you had to figure things out and you didn’t want to lead me on. 

I was crushed. I can’t help but wonder: do you still love me, despite my flaws and wrongdoings? Did you only feel obligated to endure me and my suffering, and saw this relationship as an act of service as a friend? Did you happen to see through me and realize just how deeply insecure and self-conscious I truly was? Did you see through my act and take pity on me?

To your face, I omitted these feelings, to protect myself from you. Even when you asked me, out of genuine concern, I brushed you aside and insisted I was fine. I knew, if I didn’t push you away, the moment you held onto me, I would have been in shackles, stuck in my own prison. I would have been rendered unable to deny the very fact that I was so enamored with you, and that I desperately did not want you to leave.

Do you think of me, when you look out to the crowd, singing the songs you previously only reserved to me? Do you think of me, late in the night, reminiscing over the times we shared your bed and you made love to me? The times you would make me feel whole, and gently hold me, or the times we would hold onto each other for our dear lives, desperate and passionate, with our hair clinging to our foreheads, and eyes full of intensity? Do you think of me, just as I think of you, when I desire that much needed release? Or when you’re at your darkest moments, do you recall the first stages of our relationship when you first initiated, pinning me to the wall on the school rooftop, when we had been arguing over something absurd? Do you remember how you caught me by surprise, shutting me up by taking my first kiss? I remember how smug you were after, and how I ignored you the rest of the day, because I was that mortified. It’s these sweet, small moments that make me think fondly of the past, and realize: oh, how we’ve grown and changed.

You were my first, and I stupidly and childishly held onto the hope that you’d be my last. 

Perhaps it’s naive, and maybe it’s ridiculous that I haven’t been able to muster up any logical explanations to all of this, or why I didn’t put up a fight in the first place. It’s kind of silly, that I find myself in lengthy rants about you, when I talk to Koushiro and Hikari, when neither of them even brought up your name in the first place. I guess it’s a sign, that I never got over you. At the same time, I feel stupid; you confessed to me first, but I can’t help but feel I fell headfirst. 

We’re no longer petulant children, nor are we angst-ridden teens with the weight of the world on our backs. Maybe it’s ridiculous, I’m still thinking of you, when I look out into the night sky, and wonder if you’re seeing the same moon and stars, or if you’re on the other side of the world. 

I can’t help but think, do you still love me too? Would you come running back, if the two worlds, our world and the Digital World, were to collide once again? Would you be there, if the forces of the Digital World called upon us once again and it would be just you and me and the rest of the Digimon and the Chosen Children? Would we be able to laugh altogether, carefree once again, whilst surviving the wrath of the corrupt? Maybe that’s why, that small shred of hope I had left at the back of my mind, came to me in the physical form of a letter from you, with a U.S. stamp imprinted on the top right. Just as always, you caught me off guard. Just as always, you’re the one who’s initiating, and expecting my reply. Maybe that’s why, I finally mustered up the courage to send that text to you.

**If the world was ending, you’d come over, right?**

- a power struggle, between you & me.

* * *

Call incoming: Yamato Ishida [8:18PM]

**Author's Note:**

> yay my second fic that is Taichi-centric!! I actually really love writing these two, because I think they’re both complex characters that often get overlooked. I think that I personally can relate to Taichi a lot, so I find him much harder to write than Yamato, since a lot of Taichi’s thoughts are often left for the audience to interpret based on his actions. I do think the portrayal of Taichi in tri, after the traumatic incident towards the end, didn’t accurately depict what he went through. Like could you imagine the trauma you’d get seeing people you care about either getting badly injured or dying in your own near-death experience? 
> 
> Alas, my main emphasis in this fic is definitely how Taichi tends to think of the past, when things seemed a lot simpler, following what he said on the ferris wheel to Yamato, where he sees more but understands less. I keep turning one-shots into two-shots, but it’s okay haha. First week going back to uni was tough, juggling 20 units with work and internship obligations all while being at home; however, reading all your comments made this all so worthwhile, and it definitely motivates me to keep writing. <3 Thank you all for supporting lil ol’ me and continuing to love this series as much as I do! 
> 
> ALSO: please listen to the songs that I base these fics off of! It definitely heightens the experience & helps you understand my writing process haha. If any of you have song recommendations, send them my way!


End file.
